I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
