I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
