My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
4 words: hood of his car
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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