I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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