She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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