so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
