Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
worst night to have a conscience
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
