respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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