So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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