i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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