Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
