Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
