Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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