I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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