if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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