A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
