Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
