the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
