I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
