I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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