That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
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My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
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Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize