So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
