i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
