There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
