the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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