This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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