At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
