your room smells of hookers.
And success
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
