I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
