My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
