Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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