be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
