my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
