We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
