I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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