dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
