The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
