Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
