She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
