RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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