just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
