im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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