Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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