I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
