There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
