I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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