i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
