she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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