i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
