Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
