I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
