I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
People in love make me want to vomit
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
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my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
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I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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