Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
