so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
