that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
