I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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