No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
