I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
