tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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