My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Your cock deserves a montage
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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