we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
