Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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