party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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