Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
