i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
